New Feature: Young Adult Book Pitch! by Ricky
April 4, 2009, 1:43 pm
Filed under: would you like fries with that?
  1. A young girl becomes best friends with an alien. But it turns out that the alien can communicate with any and all forms of Earth life! They travel around the globe together, talking to dolphins and shit. The girl becomes a woman, and everyone learns something about life. $25.
  2. A boy is born with a backpack on. What’s inside the backpack? Something that may surprise you. $10.
  3. After an asteroid impact, each surviving human is given the responsibility of ensuring the survival of one other species. A young girl struggles to come of age while starting a breeding program for the world’s last few dolphins. $20.
  4. dolphinisland

Be On the Lookout: Serial Killing by thousands2thousands

Between the recession,, and soft-on-crime liberal politicians, we may be entering a perfect storm of serial killing. I sat down with the old man next door, Lyle, to discuss his experience with serial killers through the decades, and what we can do to protect our families. 

Ricky Pukulski: Good morning, Lyle. Thanks for talking with me today.   

Lyle Bauersdorf: Not at all. It’s always nice to talk. 

RP: Can I get you something to drink?

LB: A beer would be fine.

RP: Sure!… So have you ever known a serial killer, personally?

LB: Well, that’s hard to prove. My wife, for instance, had a string of miscarriages in the 60s. Does that make her a serial killer? No, of course not. But what if it drove her a little crazy, and she was also responsible for smothering all those poor infants in ’71? 

RP: That would make her a serial killer. Continue reading

Assassin Dog by Ricky
February 16, 2009, 7:28 pm
Filed under: death, dogs, ricky, survival, war, would you like fries with that?

I was shot this afternoon by a dog riding past me in a speeding corolla. I only survived because I am invincible against dog barks that have doppler-shifted into gun shots. If the King Dog wants to get rid of ME, he’s going to have to GET SERIOUS.

I Love Auto Humor by Ricky
February 4, 2009, 11:33 pm
Filed under: would you like fries with that?

Every Christmas, my uncle gave my dad a subscription to Autoweek. My dad loved it, (except that they didn’t really support American enough).  Each issue had a feature on the back page, though, called But Wait, There’s More…, where they featured ostensibly humorous odds’n’ends. Funny pictures of cars, funny quotes from nascar drivers, and so on. I ALWAYS read this page, even though only 10% of the content made remote sense to me, and about 2%  of that was funny. For example, here is one of this week’s hilarious “overheards”:

“Honda has discontinued more hybrids than any other car company!” – Overheard at the Los Angeles auto show.  Chuckle?

I don’t give a shit about cars in general, (I never even glanced through the rest of the magazine), and yet I still wanted to be on the inside when it came to their jokes, like, really badly. I put years of effort into understanding car jokes, and I am still like a dog trying to understand MadTV. But we finally reached common ground, when they featured this youtube link. It is, in their words, “the most ill-conceived car stunt of all-time.” And guys, it is true, and it was funny, and it took place in the real 70s.

Stale Stand-up Material, Year 2010 by Ricky
October 8, 2008, 1:08 am
Filed under: economy, ricky, would you like fries with that?

* note: I ripped the formatting from this bit in the New Yorker

How’re you all doin’ tonight!! [raise microphone]

I know you’ve got troubles… GOD DAMN BANK TROUBLES

Yeah, we know we’re supposed to budget our income, right?
Not wasting it all on SHOES and CIGARETTES and PANTS
( cheers )

So we put it “INTO SAVINGS”! [air quoting]
What does that mean? WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?!

Friends, the term “savings” comes from the english word safe
but shouldn’t safe money RELIABLY EXIST.
( laughter )

Haha, but my bank’s all “What money? Now?”
Like, he’s rustling around behind the counter, looking sad
Saying excuses like “My other friend’s still using it.”
Haha, WHAT?
( laughter )

Let me see your vault… EMPTY!
EMPTY like my tummy. Twigs for dinner. Shit.
( laughter )

When that vault’s empty… people flip out, can you believe it?
They freak! Running to the bank like animals, sobbing
Just like in that movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”
….. and it’s sequel “the Great Depression”.
( polite laughter )

Alright, who here loves politicians & financial institutions?
( boos )

Ha, I’m just joking. It’s what I do.

But I do love my country,
and that’s why I buy US Treasury bonds [perform Taps on harmonica]
( courageous patriotism )

Taking it (back) to the Streets by dweis
September 23, 2008, 1:39 pm
Filed under: china, cleansing, normalcy, would you like fries with that?

Hey, Kids – I know I’ve been scarce on this here blog. It may have to do with getting myself halfway around the world. Here’s a post-Olympics update from the BJ:

I came to Beijing without much of a plan, but I did have one thought fully formulated: “Street food.”

I’m not talking about kosher hot dogs served to you from the gloved hands of an Egyptian pushing a refrigerated five-star restaurant. I’m not talking about a cheese-steak fresh from the back of the truck on the corner of 38th and Walnut. Hell, I’m not talking about anything that would pass health code.

I’m talking about meat that has been sitting in a Styrofoam cooler for the last ten hours and pancakes grilled on coal-fired stoves propped precariously on pedestrian-pulled wheelbarrows. The closest thing here to a foot-long is a strip of chicken on a stick, reddened with spicy pepper and too hot to eat without the help of a big bottle of beer.

The problem, which I only learned about as I hit the streets in search of breakfast, is that street-vendors had been sent packing during the Olympics. I learned of this disappointing situation when I sought out a breakfast of jian bing after spending a jetlagged and drunken night craving any food at all.

Jian bing consist of a delectable compilation of eggs, pancakes, chives, cilantro, and mystery sauce. If you find the right stand, then they also might feature black sesame seeds. I have never laid taste buds to a more satisfying street food. Once upon a time in China jian bing vendors were more ubiquitous than Starbucks, but times are changing.

During my hunt for breakfast, I may have burned more calories than one pancake could replace. In a five-block radius, I did not find a single food cart. When I finally did get my snack (it could hardly be called breakfast anymore), it came from a storefront window. My hunger sated, I turned only to thoughts of disappointment at the turn modernization had taken.

Fortunately, it seems that the “improvement” to the streets of Beijing was only temporary. Already, things are going back to normal. Tonight I saw the rebirth of open-air restaurants that consist of a card table and a grill full of meat sticks. Tomorrow I anticipate the return of the jian bing. The one constant truth about Beijing is that when it changes, it changes fast.

As for my plan here in Beijing: one of my friends has a barbeque. I think I’ll start selling burgers and hotdogs outside of the Llama Temple. The going rate for a burger in this town is close to twenty dollars, so I’m sure I’ll do just fine.