Be On the Lookout: Serial Killing by thousands2thousands

Between the recession, craigslist.com, and soft-on-crime liberal politicians, we may be entering a perfect storm of serial killing. I sat down with the old man next door, Lyle, to discuss his experience with serial killers through the decades, and what we can do to protect our families. 

Ricky Pukulski: Good morning, Lyle. Thanks for talking with me today.   

Lyle Bauersdorf: Not at all. It’s always nice to talk. 

RP: Can I get you something to drink?

LB: A beer would be fine.

RP: Sure!… So have you ever known a serial killer, personally?

LB: Well, that’s hard to prove. My wife, for instance, had a string of miscarriages in the 60s. Does that make her a serial killer? No, of course not. But what if it drove her a little crazy, and she was also responsible for smothering all those poor infants in ’71? 

RP: That would make her a serial killer. Continue reading



Generation Iron-E by thousands2thousands
March 3, 2009, 10:41 pm
Filed under: economy, in ze newz, ricky, survival

For those of you who don’t listen to the radio show This American Life with a hard-on, bare with me. They’ve done a spectacular job thus far of covering the economic crisis, (part 1 & part 2) , and this week’s episode “Bad Bank” is nothing short of profound. Catastrophically profound \m/. 

There are some news stories you can hope to sit out. Ira Glass, the host, says he sat out Kosovo. But this is a story we will be dealing with and hearing about for the next decade (unless an enormous psychic alien-monster drops onto New York City, uniting the world against a more pressing threat). So we may as well get the story straight, and with jazzy background music.

The first twenty minutes explain the state of the economy and how we got here. Then they start talking to IMF guys and Deutsche Bank dudes and G-men about the possible plans for getting out of this mess, and it’s funny/horrifying. Then the straightforward insights start rolling in, and you think to yourself, “my parents try to be nice humans, but I didn’t want to live like them, anyway. Their parents were way cooler (except for the racism/sexism)”. 

 This is the worst economic crisis since 1929, and therefore we’re all freaked out about living through the next great depression. Fine, but what about bloody continent-consuming wars? Are we freaked out about spawning any of those? Can that still happen?

germaninflation



News Roundup by Ricky
March 3, 2009, 3:09 pm
Filed under: in ze newz, ricky, survival
  • Prince William eloped with a young British lady of Indian descent, setting the stage for the first Indian Queen of England, which is a pretty interesting turn of events, all things considered.  [news]
  • 78% of young adults would have chosen a different and “better” college major, had they known the economic crisis was coming. [news]
  • Bull sharks, which are the worst, can now live in fresh water. Too bad the environmental movement got its shit together, or else I would personally be dumping rusty barrels of poison down the Mississippi. Not even Captain Planet would give these guys a hand. [FUCK]

 

I wish bull sharks were extinct

I hate them even more than rapists.

Okay, the first two news stories were only some passing thoughts of mine. But the third one is TRUE and it is important that you take sharks seriously. Thinking about sharks is the leading cause of atheism in children. Damnit damnit damnit, they have no compassion. Even bears and wolves have compassion. (Tigers don’t have compassion, either, for the record. But Lionesses do, as well as Mountian Gorillas.)



Could you Sack a City? by Ricky
February 24, 2009, 7:37 pm
Filed under: adventure, death, psychology, ricky, survival, victory

Okay, it’s the near future. You’re part of a marauding horde, and your dirty charismatic leader, (Edward Norton), says that you’ll all be sacking Cincinnati tomorrow, as a team. Are you in, or are you out?  



Assassin Dog by Ricky
February 16, 2009, 7:28 pm
Filed under: death, dogs, ricky, survival, war, would you like fries with that?

I was shot this afternoon by a dog riding past me in a speeding corolla. I only survived because I am invincible against dog barks that have doppler-shifted into gun shots. If the King Dog wants to get rid of ME, he’s going to have to GET SERIOUS.



Haunted Closet by Ricky
January 30, 2009, 5:59 pm
Filed under: animals, death, human growth and development, ricky, survival, unreasonable plans, youth


One time my parents noticed an orange extension cord running through my room, and they followed it to find an old clamp lamp glowing  inside one of my closet drawers. They initially suspected a hydroponics project,  but instead the lamp was just keeping three small eggs warm.

The eggs hatched into baby house finches, but a few nights later the old lamp bulb burnt out and the babies all froze to death in my t-shirt drawer. They didn’t have enough feathers yet.

Meesters House Finches



Another Day, Another Dog, Another Regrettable Fistfight with a Cancer Patient by Ricky
January 21, 2009, 11:32 pm
Filed under: dogs, music, NOM NOM NOM, ricky, survival, treats
As I’ve said before, my neighborhood has many quasi-feral packs of dogs. And last night, an enourmously fat golden retriever by the name of “Bear” tried to eat my only left hand.

I was taking my evening walk, listening to the Artie Shaw album I had just stolen, when Bear “the worst” Golden Retreiver bumrushed me and then fled into my backyard.

 Bear technically lives a few blocks down from me, but tonight he was on the prowl. He’s so enormous and evil that normal collars and leashes can’t hold him, so his “owners” just tie a long thick pale blue rope around his middle section.

Continue reading