Generation Iron-E by thousands2thousands
March 3, 2009, 10:41 pm
Filed under: economy, in ze newz, ricky, survival

For those of you who don’t listen to the radio show This American Life with a hard-on, bare with me. They’ve done a spectacular job thus far of covering the economic crisis, (part 1 & part 2) , and this week’s episode “Bad Bank” is nothing short of profound. Catastrophically profound \m/. 

There are some news stories you can hope to sit out. Ira Glass, the host, says he sat out Kosovo. But this is a story we will be dealing with and hearing about for the next decade (unless an enormous psychic alien-monster drops onto New York City, uniting the world against a more pressing threat). So we may as well get the story straight, and with jazzy background music.

The first twenty minutes explain the state of the economy and how we got here. Then they start talking to IMF guys and Deutsche Bank dudes and G-men about the possible plans for getting out of this mess, and it’s funny/horrifying. Then the straightforward insights start rolling in, and you think to yourself, “my parents try to be nice humans, but I didn’t want to live like them, anyway. Their parents were way cooler (except for the racism/sexism)”. 

 This is the worst economic crisis since 1929, and therefore we’re all freaked out about living through the next great depression. Fine, but what about bloody continent-consuming wars? Are we freaked out about spawning any of those? Can that still happen?

germaninflation



Massachoosetts: Ripe for the Takeover by Ricky
February 19, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: america, economy, ricky

Now that Thousands has amassed an international army of loyal readers, I think it’s time we talked about “empire-building”. The USA is in economic crisis… but that means plenty of great opportunities for us to seize control of floundering states! 

John Winthrop, The Governor of Massachusetts

John Winthrop, The Governor of Massachusetts

 

Thankfully, Zam has infiltrated the intended target, Massachusetts, and scored footage of their newest military puppy drones. Basically, they are not that scary. But why are we targeting Massachusetts,  an unruly and lame state by all accounts? They have the largest per capita state debt. They don’t even own their own asses. We seize it, our new government strips it of all valuable goods ($$, cars, pretty people, gold, jewels), and then we’ll flip it. (England has expressed interest, ha ha.)

This all works, in my head.



Stale Stand-up Material, Year 2010 by Ricky
October 8, 2008, 1:08 am
Filed under: economy, ricky, would you like fries with that?

* note: I ripped the formatting from this bit in the New Yorker

How’re you all doin’ tonight!! [raise microphone]
(cheers)

I know you’ve got troubles… GOD DAMN BANK TROUBLES
(boos)

Yeah, we know we’re supposed to budget our income, right?
Not wasting it all on SHOES and CIGARETTES and PANTS
( cheers )

So we put it “INTO SAVINGS”! [air quoting]
What does that mean? WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?!

Friends, the term “savings” comes from the english word safe
….
but shouldn’t safe money RELIABLY EXIST.
( laughter )

Haha, but my bank’s all “What money? Now?”
Like, he’s rustling around behind the counter, looking sad
Saying excuses like “My other friend’s still using it.”
Haha, WHAT?
( laughter )

Let me see your vault… EMPTY!
EMPTY like my tummy. Twigs for dinner. Shit.
( laughter )

When that vault’s empty… people flip out, can you believe it?
They freak! Running to the bank like animals, sobbing
Just like in that movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”
….. and it’s sequel “the Great Depression”.
( polite laughter )

Alright, who here loves politicians & financial institutions?
( boos )

Ha, I’m just joking. It’s what I do.

But I do love my country,
and that’s why I buy US Treasury bonds [perform Taps on harmonica]
( courageous patriotism )



Dear Dr. Evil, by hayk47
September 25, 2008, 2:27 pm
Filed under: america, apocalypse, bailout, economy, unreasonable plans


I have no conception of what a billion dollars is. To me it’s just as amorphous as a bazillion elephants or a munchzillion quarter pounders (the official number of burgers stolen by the Hamburgler just last year).
So I’ve quantified this magic $700,000,000,000 into figures that I can understand.

I understand: 1 dollar billz
700billion one dollar bills lined up end to end could GO AROUND THE EARTH 26.62 times

I understand: ponies
I picked out this pony named Beryl. I could buy her, and 2,799,000 ponies just like her with 700billion dollar$.

I understand (and hate): Damien Hirst
Seriously F*ck Damien Hirst.
With 700billion clams I could buy his piece “For the love of God” and the rest of his goddamn collection and burn it all…and he would still have the last laugh.

I understand: Magic
700billion dollars > David Blaine‘s life

This all makes so much more sense now.



Interview with Hank Paulson ’68 by Ricky
September 22, 2008, 11:05 pm
Filed under: bailout, economy, Ivy elitist crap, payday, ricky

So it turns out that the guy whose signature is on all our dollar bills is a Dartmouth grad. His name’s Hank Paulson, and he’s the “Secretary of the Treasury”. I emailed him yesterday for an interview (henry.m.paulson.68@alum.dartmouth.org). We chatted this afternoon:

RickyRetardo_08: a/s/l
SpankPaulson_68: ha ha
SpankPaulson_68: how are u today
RickyRetardo_08: Great, thanks! And you?
SpankPaulson_68: oh geez, i’m SWAMPED at work
SpankPaulson_68: seriously tho, i’ve gotten like 2 hours of sleep
RickyRetardo_08: what, are they making you sign all the newly designed pennies ;)
SpankPaulson_68: haha, no this whole market shit is my department
SpankPaulson_68: so screwed. f u c kkkkkkk
SpankPaulson_68: but what’s going on with you?
RickyRetardo_08: oh, i got some green sculpy clay today
RickyRetardo_08: and i’m going to make a little alligator figurine
RickyRetardo_08: while i watch heroes tonight :D
SpankPaulson_68: haha thats awesome
RickyRetardo_08: I know, right? I can make you one too…
SpankPaulson_68: really? yes puh-lease
RickyRetardo_08: sure, I’d just need a little $$ to buy more clay
SpankPaulson_68: no prob, how much
RickyRetardo_08: OH JUST 700 BILLION DOLLARS
RickyRetardo_08: NO STRINGS ATTACHED
SpankPaulson_68: >: (
SpankPaulson_68: fuck you, you have no idea what its like
RickyRetardo_08: ~~~GOTCHA BITCH~~~