Could you Sack a City? by Ricky
February 24, 2009, 7:37 pm
Filed under: adventure, death, psychology, ricky, survival, victory

Okay, it’s the near future. You’re part of a marauding horde, and your dirty charismatic leader, (Edward Norton), says that you’ll all be sacking Cincinnati tomorrow, as a team. Are you in, or are you out?  


Assassin Dog by Ricky
February 16, 2009, 7:28 pm
Filed under: death, dogs, ricky, survival, war, would you like fries with that?

I was shot this afternoon by a dog riding past me in a speeding corolla. I only survived because I am invincible against dog barks that have doppler-shifted into gun shots. If the King Dog wants to get rid of ME, he’s going to have to GET SERIOUS.

Haunted Closet by Ricky
January 30, 2009, 5:59 pm
Filed under: animals, death, human growth and development, ricky, survival, unreasonable plans, youth

One time my parents noticed an orange extension cord running through my room, and they followed it to find an old clamp lamp glowing  inside one of my closet drawers. They initially suspected a hydroponics project,  but instead the lamp was just keeping three small eggs warm.

The eggs hatched into baby house finches, but a few nights later the old lamp bulb burnt out and the babies all froze to death in my t-shirt drawer. They didn’t have enough feathers yet.

Meesters House Finches

I centered the nail above your mother’s drowsy eye… by Ricky
January 12, 2009, 3:21 am
Filed under: and that's what I think about that, change, death, ricky, ruin, sad, war

… as I screamed your father’s full name. Then, I hefted the hammer above my head, and…

Oh, hi everybody. I was just thinking about gruesome violence.  I really don’t like it, because it overstimulates my fight or faint or flight or faint or faint and fall response. (Forget R-rated movies, mere powerpoint presentations have caused me to pass out in my school desk, TWICE*.)  
I promise that this narrative is building up to something greater than my personal failings as credible biology. It’s an explanation for my caring about America’s policy re: torture. The whole thing gives me the vapors! So I thought for 5 min about what we could have done instead of torture, and this is the listicle I came up with:

Continue reading

Another Winter, Another Cannibal by Ricky
January 8, 2009, 3:03 am
Filed under: cannibal, death, ricky, ruin, winter, wisconsin


Goddamn cannibals, up to their tricks again:

The search of Seitz’s home in mid-December yielded a number of disturbing discoveries, including books on how to perform cannibalism, bondage devices, newly poured cement in the basement and elevated piles of dirt in the yard, according to a police affidavit used to obtain a search warrant.    [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinal]

He owned a barbershop in the same town my cousins live in. I like to think he served his community as a barber first, cannibal second. Continue reading

RickyKart Now Available for Wii… Kmart Exclusive! by Ricky
December 23, 2008, 5:45 pm
Filed under: cars, CHRISTMAS, death, help, holiday season, ricky, ruin, wisconsin
All the snow is piled up on the edge of the roads, so high that it is as though one is driving through a white labyrinth, and one can not see when other cars are approaching their intersection in a perpendicular fashion. Converesly, they can not see you. Upon identifing an incoming bogie, it is already much too late to stop. One’s power brakes will be rumbling futilely, shaking the entire frame, while the rival cars slowly crash at .5 miles per hour. In this scenario, it is appropriate to lock eyes with your fellow hapless driver, and stick out your tongue in a facsimile of cunninglingus. 

When these established principles are applied to highway driving, the effects are magnified. Should one’s car spin out on I-94, it will assuredly take a couple of SUVs down with it. The more the merrier, and everyone will hunker down in the ditch together, sharing their brandy and mittens, as they await their ambulances. If a semi should jack-knife, as they are wont to do in slippery freezing conditions, everyone dies, and the magnificent toys that the semi was hauling will never reach the good little boys and girls of Lake Wobegon.

Mr. Smith goes to contemplate suicide like a dumb quitter by hayk47
December 19, 2008, 8:46 pm
Filed under: death, holiday season, jimmy stewart, New York Times

YO. This piece about “It’s a Wonderful Life” by Wendell Jamieson appeared in the NYtimes yesterday.

Lots of people love this movie of course. But I’m convinced it’s for the wrong reasons. Because to me “It’s a Wonderful Life” is anything but a cheery holiday tale. Sitting in that dark public high school classroom, I shuddered as the projector whirred and George Bailey’s life unspooled.

Was this what adulthood promised?

“It’s a Wonderful Life” is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife.

The beautiful tragedy of the human condition is that we remain hopeful.