New Feature: Young Adult Book Pitch!
April 4, 2009, 1:43 pm
Filed under: would you like fries with that?
  1. A young girl becomes best friends with an alien. But it turns out that the alien can communicate with any and all forms of Earth life! They travel around the globe together, talking to dolphins and shit. The girl becomes a woman, and everyone learns something about life. $25.
  2. A boy is born with a backpack on. What’s inside the backpack? Something that may surprise you. $10.
  3. After an asteroid impact, each surviving human is given the responsibility of ensuring the survival of one other species. A young girl struggles to come of age while starting a breeding program for the world’s last few dolphins. $20.
  4. dolphinisland
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News Roundup
March 3, 2009, 3:09 pm
Filed under: in ze newz, ricky, survival
  • Prince William eloped with a young British lady of Indian descent, setting the stage for the first Indian Queen of England, which is a pretty interesting turn of events, all things considered.  [news]
  • 78% of young adults would have chosen a different and “better” college major, had they known the economic crisis was coming. [news]
  • Bull sharks, which are the worst, can now live in fresh water. Too bad the environmental movement got its shit together, or else I would personally be dumping rusty barrels of poison down the Mississippi. Not even Captain Planet would give these guys a hand. [FUCK]

 

I wish bull sharks were extinct

I hate them even more than rapists.

Okay, the first two news stories were only some passing thoughts of mine. But the third one is TRUE and it is important that you take sharks seriously. Thinking about sharks is the leading cause of atheism in children. Damnit damnit damnit, they have no compassion. Even bears and wolves have compassion. (Tigers don’t have compassion, either, for the record. But Lionesses do, as well as Mountian Gorillas.)



Revelations
February 28, 2009, 1:56 pm
Filed under: future, man, wildlife resources

manifest-destiny-3

In the future,

  • People will have indefinite lives, until they decide to procreate. Then their bodies begin a graceful 70 year slide into dirt.
  • Agriculture will never be lost, but animal husbandry will fall into synthetics. 
  • People will always keep dogs around, and to a lesser extent, cats and horses.
  • The world will become one big nature preserve 


Could you Sack a City?
February 24, 2009, 7:37 pm
Filed under: adventure, death, psychology, ricky, survival, victory

Okay, it’s the near future. You’re part of a marauding horde, and your dirty charismatic leader, (Edward Norton), says that you’ll all be sacking Cincinnati tomorrow, as a team. Are you in, or are you out?  



Massachoosetts: Ripe for the Takeover
February 19, 2009, 7:53 pm
Filed under: america, economy, ricky

Now that Thousands has amassed an international army of loyal readers, I think it’s time we talked about “empire-building”. The USA is in economic crisis… but that means plenty of great opportunities for us to seize control of floundering states! 

John Winthrop, The Governor of Massachusetts

John Winthrop, The Governor of Massachusetts

 

Thankfully, Zam has infiltrated the intended target, Massachusetts, and scored footage of their newest military puppy drones. Basically, they are not that scary. But why are we targeting Massachusetts,  an unruly and lame state by all accounts? They have the largest per capita state debt. They don’t even own their own asses. We seize it, our new government strips it of all valuable goods ($$, cars, pretty people, gold, jewels), and then we’ll flip it. (England has expressed interest, ha ha.)

This all works, in my head.



Assassin Dog
February 16, 2009, 7:28 pm
Filed under: death, dogs, ricky, survival, war, would you like fries with that?

I was shot this afternoon by a dog riding past me in a speeding corolla. I only survived because I am invincible against dog barks that have doppler-shifted into gun shots. If the King Dog wants to get rid of ME, he’s going to have to GET SERIOUS.



Interview with Tim Geithner ’83
February 10, 2009, 4:53 pm
Filed under: Dartmouth College, in ze newz, interview, Ivy elitist crap, ricky, tim geithner

geithnerpaulson1

I scored a seminal interview with Hank Paulson a few months ago, and I figured I’d follow it up by talking to that other Dartmouth grad in the news, Timothy Geithner. He cheated on his taxes, but he seems pretty chill. I emailed him yesterday for an interview (Timothy.F.Geithner.83@dartmouth.edu). Here’s our chat:

RickyRetardo_08: good morning
TIMMY$$GEES_83: hey! 
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