"the holy slow train" — b. dylan
September 2, 2008, 3:33 pm
Filed under: in ze newz, schizophrenia

Suckers bringing the realness at the RNC in St. Paul:

“If you ‘just tripped,’ why are you pepper-spraying Jeff?”

Lindsay “Warhol Recursion” Lohan still exists. From Wikipedia:

Lohan has yet to comment on the exact nature of their relationship, stating through her publicist that she “wants to keep her private life private.” When pressed by a paparazzo to deny the rumors, Ronson responded, “Are you retarded?”

Things that make that much sense:

Paparazzo: “Deny the rumors!”
George Clooney: “Am I hungry?”

Paprazzo: “Deny the rumor!”
Lisa Kudrow: “What is a quark?”

Paprazzo: “Deny a rumor!”
Winston Churchill: “Come here often?”

Two great album titles, one deep-sounding-because-we’re-French-and-half-literate song title, and the my favorite band name ever:

Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
Everything All the Time
Everything Is Everything
Girls Are Short

In conclusion, Michael Johnson looks like a haggard Eddie Murphy, Tony Stewart looks like a fat John Cusack, and it is hilarious to spend a year smoking up every day and getting super fat before getting completely over it and regular-size again. That must be the biggest perk of being young and male.


September 1, 2008, 9:00 pm
Filed under: in ze newz, schizophrenia

Fact: Alaska’s state motto is “North to the Future.” That is the second-best state motto after “Live Free or Die” (NĂ¼ Hampshire). The worst is Ohio’s—“With God, All Things are Possible” —because it is not true. (“Cincinnati? Do you mean Cincifratty Brohibro?” “…No.”). HILARIOUS.

Mission Impossible Two, oh my God: people take off their faces in that movie like you and I walk down stairs (not that often, but with an air of aggressive ‘of course’). The stressed characters (all of them; calm down Tom Cruise!) rub their temples and then, as if an afterthought, un-face. Dept. of Come On: director John Woo also made Face/Off. Some kinda formative childhood trauma he must’ve had. Then again, MI2 came out in 2000, when websites still asked you if you wanted Frames. The past is a foreign country: they face the future less figuratively there.

The word ‘aggressive’ is soon to join ‘random’ and ‘awkward’ in the graveyard of killing overuse. The millions of guilty will face no jury. ‘Absurd’ is endangered.

“Not at all” is a bizarre way to say “You’re welcome.”

“Thank you.”
“No! Nooo!”

“Fuck you, fuck your fuckin’ pizza, and fuck Frank Sinatra.” Casting an Italian guy as a pizza shop owner is like casting a black guy as a criminal or inmate.

“Okay, get in the cell. Nice. Also, there is no movie.”

This post being a hodgepodge, I will tell you that Thousands’s Ricky sent my family a thank-you sausage after crashing at our house. The packaging says this: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That’s the best summer sausage I’ve ever had!”

Ricky, everyone: I am not kidding you.

mobama, not less
August 31, 2008, 10:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Barack Obama is the idea of artistic ambition followed to its logical conclusion.*

McCain’s brilliant/desperate/what? VP choice makes me happy on the level of bastard-comeuppance: the millions of bigoted troglodytes who oppose Obama on (non-) principle will now have to swallow, regardless of outcome, the bitter ascent of the Other.

(Fact: in the day, Palin won a pageant!)


He is a serious and seriously accomplished writer.

He embodies a transformational narrative of his own construction. (That sentence scans as bullshit but I stand by, at least, its denotation.)

He made his career not through policy or ideology or (actual) reform but with his own words and the force of his fiercely empathetic personality.

(And when I say artistic ambition, I have extroverted ambition in mind. HayK47 and I disagree on the very terms of artistic creation—we almost came to blows in Durango on this point. Future post!)

a blimp by any other name
August 30, 2008, 8:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Doc Roon, who is my mom, read this post. The image below was hyperlinked but not displayed, so I showed it to her. Her initial reaction sounded like she’d discovered a stock exchange staffed by babies trading hugs and cookies in a permanent bull market.

“You have to put him on the blog!”
“I did. It was linked.”
“I didn’t see it.”
“Okay, but—“
“See, now isn’t that better than blimps?”
“You know, fly above sports with cameras.”
“I—I know what blimps are, but what do they have to do with the bear?”
“They’re big.”
“What? That bear cannot do anything a blimp can do.”
“I want one.”
“We have to name it.”

That was yesterday. Today she announced that the bear’s name is Celphone.

the best worst place in the world
August 28, 2008, 12:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Wikipedia can’t stop loving you. Today’s ambrosia of fact: North Korea has repeatedly tried to tunnel into South Korea. They’ve been caught four times (!) since 1974. They are like Mexican drug runners except they compete at the Olympics and are motivated less by money than by crazy:

The tunnels were dug by North Korea and are presumed for use by the military as an invasion route. Each tunnel is large enough to permit the passage of an entire division in one hour. […] Upon their discovery, the North claimed that they were for coal mining; however, no coal can be found in the tunnels, which are dug through granite, but some of the tunnel walls were at some point painted black to give the appearance of coal.

North Korea treats geopolitics like summer camp. They are the kid from the broken home who loses his pool privileges for talking about killing the mean counselor with a bomb. But that kid could never, or almost never, actually make the bomb. North Korea owns many bombs, they can fly thousands of miles, and they are called Dong Missiles. Actually, their full name is “No-Dong.” Couldn’t really play into our convenient Western stereotypes any harder than that. Effete Asians: No Wang bombs, king named Kim.

This is what happens when I don’t go out.

dropping the baton
August 23, 2008, 11:40 pm
Filed under: brolympics, in ze newz

I would vote Bob Costas into any office in this country. Small and intelligent, the man is loosening up gloriously as the Olympics continue. When both the men and women of Team America lost the 4×100 relay, Costas welcomed us back into the womb-like NBC studio by announcing that USA Track had “laid an egg in the Bird’s Nest.” Like most of the Thousands staff, I care about puns more than my physical safety.

But the Olympics are also hilarious not-on-purpose: Cuban Athlete Is Barred for Kicking Referee in the Face”.

You’ll be flabbergasted to know that I am not the only person in and around the internet making Olympic jokes: in their current issue, the New Yorker‘s Nancy Franklin bemoans Misty May and Tall One’s “Victoria’s Ill-Kept- Secret” outfits, and the masterful Anthony Lane draws terrifying comparisons with the fascistic foreplay of the 1936 Berlin Games.

I am going to be drafted by Google into the war against Ruso-China.

Below, the assembling of a Denver installation called “I See What You Mean” by Lawrence Argent. I love the title, in all likelihood because it smacks of LOLcats.

Can you blame him? The bear just wants to hang out. “Give me art and companionship!” he seems to say. The bare blue necessities.

(Photo credit: the City of Denver, I think.)