Be On the Lookout: Serial Killing by thousands2thousands

Between the recession,, and soft-on-crime liberal politicians, we may be entering a perfect storm of serial killing. I sat down with the old man next door, Lyle, to discuss his experience with serial killers through the decades, and what we can do to protect our families. 

Ricky Pukulski: Good morning, Lyle. Thanks for talking with me today.   

Lyle Bauersdorf: Not at all. It’s always nice to talk. 

RP: Can I get you something to drink?

LB: A beer would be fine.

RP: Sure!… So have you ever known a serial killer, personally?

LB: Well, that’s hard to prove. My wife, for instance, had a string of miscarriages in the 60s. Does that make her a serial killer? No, of course not. But what if it drove her a little crazy, and she was also responsible for smothering all those poor infants in ’71? 

RP: That would make her a serial killer.

LB: Yes. I’m not saying she did it, I’m just saying I could envision a scenario in which it happened. 

RP: Did you ever ask her about the infants’ deaths? 

LB: Ha, no. No, we had a happy marriage. She was a very good wife. You know, people say the midwest is nice and polite, but the truth is that we are appeasers

RP: Can you expand on that?

LB: Well we always have the lowest divorce rates in the country. The secret to that is appeasement, in the Nevillest sense of the word, in combination with a good work ethic. If you have time to be worrying about your marriage, or the serial killer next door, or your asshole neighbor’s baby, you’re probably not working hard enough. 

RP: So it’s a “keep your head down, do your own job” mentality?

LB: Ha, that makes it sound like we’re a bunch of loners. Nah, those east coast people are the loners, I think. Our appeasement of each other serves a purpose, and that is to form a community. It’s no rainbow coalition, ha, but it is nice and polite. Sometimes I think that if America were to continue into perpetuity, people in other parts of the country would evolve into future humans, with gills or wings or enormous brains, and only the Midwest would remain homo sapiens, for whatever that’s worth.

RP:  Are you happy being a homo sapiens? 

LB: Ha, geez, never gotten that question before. Usually…. usually it’s “if you were an animal, what would you be?”, and I say a wolf, because I like that they live in packs. But I guess I’m lucky to have been born a man. At the very least, I have lived longer than 15 wolves combined. And even though I am childless, I could still pass on my life stories through writing or whatnot. Not that I have, but talking to you counts, right?

RP: Right. When we were talking yesterday, you mentioned that the current times might breed local serial killers. How do you reckon that?

LB: Well, the  basic problem right now is that there are too many people, and not enough money. I could see that ticking serial killers off, especially if they were unemployed. They might go on, looking for a job, and just naturally migrate over to the sex partners section to find victims. On the other hand, they might have a job, and get ticked off at all the people who don’t have jobs and are whining about it. 

RP: It sounds like serial killers are hard to predict. 

LB: Right. And they’re all different. They might not like lesbian sports fanatics. Or it might just be the sight of the neighbor’s third baby boy that tips them into insanity. You never know what’s going on inside the heads of others. 

RP: What can we do to protect ourselves?

LB: Well, you know that Ben Franklin quote, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for”? I always thought that was kinda dumb. It’s like saying, “A prostitute who doesn’t prostitute herself is safe, but that’s not what prostitutes are built for”. Some people outline their lives with risks, and other people fill their lives in with things like families. Nothing wrong with wanting a quiet and safe life for your family. But in the end, you can’t protect yourself from serial killers. You can only educate the public about the downsides of being a serial killer. There are many.

RP: Such as?

LB: The bodies. Now, you may be tempted to poison people with pesticides and then bury the body deep in an organic farm field, but  those CSI people from TV would probably eat one of the farm veggies, and instantly know who did it. They are that good, I’m serious.


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