A man tells his psychiatrist: “Doc, I’m worried that I’m losing my wife’s love.”
The psychiatrist responds, “Why, has she started to neglect you?”
“Not at all,” says the man. “She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss every night. My shirts are always ironed, the house is always spotless, she’s a great cook, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache.”
“So… what seems to be the problem?”
“Well… maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” the husband ventured, “but at night, when she thinks I’m sleeping, she puts her lips right up to my ear and whispers:
‘Die, you son of a bitch. Die.’“
Filed under: would you like fries with that?
- A young girl becomes best friends with an alien. But it turns out that the alien can communicate with any and all forms of Earth life! They travel around the globe together, talking to dolphins and shit. The girl becomes a woman, and everyone learns something about life. $25.
- A boy is born with a backpack on. What’s inside the backpack? Something that may surprise you. $10.
- After an asteroid impact, each surviving human is given the responsibility of ensuring the survival of one other species. A young girl struggles to come of age while starting a breeding program for the world’s last few dolphins. $20.
Filed under: human growth and development, survival, would you like fries with that?
Between the recession, craigslist.com, and soft-on-crime liberal politicians, we may be entering a perfect storm of serial killing. I sat down with the old man next door, Lyle, to discuss his experience with serial killers through the decades, and what we can do to protect our families.
Ricky Pukulski: Good morning, Lyle. Thanks for talking with me today.
Lyle Bauersdorf: Not at all. It’s always nice to talk.
RP: Can I get you something to drink?
LB: A beer would be fine.
RP: Sure!… So have you ever known a serial killer, personally?
LB: Well, that’s hard to prove. My wife, for instance, had a string of miscarriages in the 60s. Does that make her a serial killer? No, of course not. But what if it drove her a little crazy, and she was also responsible for smothering all those poor infants in ’71?
RP: That would make her a serial killer. Continue reading
For those of you who don’t listen to the radio show This American Life with a hard-on, bare with me. They’ve done a spectacular job thus far of covering the economic crisis, (part 1 & part 2) , and this week’s episode “Bad Bank” is nothing short of profound. Catastrophically profound \m/.
There are some news stories you can hope to sit out. Ira Glass, the host, says he sat out Kosovo. But this is a story we will be dealing with and hearing about for the next decade (unless an enormous psychic alien-monster drops onto New York City, uniting the world against a more pressing threat). So we may as well get the story straight, and with jazzy background music.
The first twenty minutes explain the state of the economy and how we got here. Then they start talking to IMF guys and Deutsche Bank dudes and G-men about the possible plans for getting out of this mess, and it’s funny/horrifying. Then the straightforward insights start rolling in, and you think to yourself, “my parents try to be nice humans, but I didn’t want to live like them, anyway. Their parents were way cooler (except for the racism/sexism)”.
This is the worst economic crisis since 1929, and therefore we’re all freaked out about living through the next great depression. Fine, but what about bloody continent-consuming wars? Are we freaked out about spawning any of those? Can that still happen?
- Prince William eloped with a young British lady of Indian descent, setting the stage for the first Indian Queen of England, which is a pretty interesting turn of events, all things considered. [news]
- 78% of young adults would have chosen a different and “better” college major, had they known the economic crisis was coming. [news]
- Bull sharks, which are the worst, can now live in fresh water. Too bad the environmental movement got its shit together, or else I would personally be dumping rusty barrels of poison down the Mississippi. Not even Captain Planet would give these guys a hand. [FUCK]
Okay, the first two news stories were only some passing thoughts of mine. But the third one is TRUE and it is important that you take sharks seriously. Thinking about sharks is the leading cause of atheism in children. Damnit damnit damnit, they have no compassion. Even bears and wolves have compassion. (Tigers don’t have compassion, either, for the record. But Lionesses do, as well as Mountian Gorillas.)
In the future,
- People will have indefinite lives, until they decide to procreate. Then their bodies begin a graceful 70 year slide into dirt.
- Agriculture will never be lost, but animal husbandry will fall into synthetics.
- People will always keep dogs around, and to a lesser extent, cats and horses.
- The world will become one big nature preserve
Okay, it’s the near future. You’re part of a marauding horde, and your dirty charismatic leader, (Edward Norton), says that you’ll all be sacking Cincinnati tomorrow, as a team. Are you in, or are you out?